Nikki Oden is here to talk about a really fun topic, creating a celebration circle. Nikki is host of the Love Your Mom Life podcast and has a new book coming out very soon called But Definitely Wear Mascara: Hacks to Help You Love Your Mom Life (and Yourself) A Little More which is available for pre-order on Amazon at https://amzn.to/3u0TzRW. I will definitely be grabbing myself a copy!

When I found Nikki, I knew that I wanted to share her message with you, especially this topic about how the people that you're closest with really impact your life. 

Megan: So thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Can you give us a little history about your life? Who you are, your family life, all the things?

Nikki: Well thank you again for having me. I am so excited to be here. I love what you're doing and I'm just honored to be able to speak to your listeners. So how did I get here? Well, I think the short answer is by falling down on my face a lot and just kind of picking myself back up and figuring out what not to do. And through that repeated process, I realized that there are so many moms who are kind of just getting by, who are struggling. I'm not the only one and I would love to be part of that conversation that helps them make it a little bit easier. For me, it all started when I was a lawyer before I became a mom practicing commercial litigation for a really large international law firm. That is just a very fancy, complicated way of saying that I represented big companies, and I went to court and I fought about money all day. And although I was really good at it and it definitely paid well, it was such a grind and it was really stressful. I just didn't see myself doing that for the rest of my life. So when I became pregnant with my first child, my daughter, who is now 10, I looked at my husband and I said, “This is not arching over the horizon for me, I cannot continue to do this forever.” And he was like, “Okay, so quit and I will take care of us.” So I did and I knew how blessed I was to be in that position. I knew there were many women at the law firm who were the breadwinners, who were not going to be able to spend as much time with their kids. So I took my three months maternity leave. When I got back, I was like peace out and I quit and I just decided I'm going to be a stay at home mom. How hard can that be? Famous last words, right? So I figured that I did really well in law school, I've been a lawyer for all these years. I'm just gonna be really a good stay at home mom, like implement all the things. And oh, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I mean, I had no idea what I was doing. No one does when they become a mom. Even today with a 10 year old, I don't know what it's like to have an 11 year old. So there are always things we're learning. I just repeatedly fell on my face. Then when she was nine months old, I found out I was pregnant with my son. So I then was going to be in a situation where I had two under two. I don't know who needs to hear this but nursing is not birth control. So just do whatever you do despite what your husband may think. So once he was born, I completely lost myself. I mean, I had no idea what I wanted. I basically didn't even know what day it was half the time. I got to a point where I just realized I was really unhappy.I didn't want to tell anyone. I felt really guilty about admitting it out loud, for one because my husband was working so hard so that I could be home with the kids. How am I going to tell him I really don't like this? I didn't want other people to think that I don't love my kids, which again, these are stories I was telling myself and guilt I was self imposing. Finally I did just say it out loud to my husband and I realized I needed something that was mine outside of mommy and wife. I wanted to have an impact on the world, outside of my family without forsaking them. I know my children are my legacy and I take that very seriously. While I'm raising them it doesn't mean I have to give up on my goals and my dreams. So once I was okay with that, and I had that support from my husband which was amazing, I started to go out there and I had started a business at home. That's when I learned what it looks like to live in survival mode. I didn't get laundry done, I ate standing up, sometimes while driving. I was a hot mess. Eventually, again, falling on my face over and over again, I learned what it looks like to not be a hot mess, and how to develop some sustainable systems and, and mindsets, so that you can have that dream and the family and make that impact on the world. That's when I created Your Ideal Mom Life, which is my company and then from there, the Love Your Mom Life podcast. I'm such a champion for moms, especially working moms and moms that have businesses and goals and dreams outside of being mommy and wife, because it's not easy. It's really hard. There needs to be more of us talking about how hard it is, but also talking about how to make it easier.

Megan: Well, I'm sure that my listeners are really connecting with what you're saying because I definitely felt the same way. When I had my first daughter, I had no idea what I was getting into. I remember, she was just a little over a year old and it was the first time I realized that I needed to discipline her. We were moving and she was playing with the light socket. We had just moved and literally the boxes were coming in and we hadn't put the little plugs in yet. I was shocked. I thought do I already have to be figuring out what discipline is. And I love what you said about you don't know what it's like to have an 11 year old. My daughter turned 16 in September, and I was so excited about that. But then we have driving, we have a boyfriend, we have so many things that hit all at once and it was a lot. So I know that none of us really know what we're doing. But we can just continue to get up when we fall on our face. Learn from it and progress. So tell me a little bit about this topic, creating a celebration circle. So what do you say is your celebration circle?

Nikki: My celebration circle is made up of the five women I hang around the most. I do have a sort of celebration circle professionally and I have one personally. I always say that your personal goals are more important than your professional goals because if you're not taking care of yourself and taking care of those personal needs, you're never going to show up professionally anyway. I read about this concept in the book The One Thing, which is one of the most amazing books I've ever read. It's coined as a business book but there are lessons in there that apply to every area of your life. It is definitely a book that changed my life. They talk about how you are basically the average of the five people you hang around the most. So if you really think about that, if you're hanging around five people who are a little bit lazy, or who complain a lot, or who think their lives are happening to them, and that they're just unlucky, and everybody else is better off than they are, but it's not their fault, you're going to start thinking that way versus if you were hanging around 10 people who were like, you absolutely got this or when you're feeling a little down on yourself, they're tell you you're amazing. People who give you that tough love because they care about you, you'll start thinking differently. It seems so simple, but it's true. So I have intentionally over the years really kind of curated this circle of people around me because I want people around me who are going to celebrate with me when I do something amazing versus being jealous or hating on me or finding an underhanded way to make me feel bad about it. I want to be around people who are like, “You know what, Nikki, I'm going to tell it like it is. This is what you said you were going to do and you didn't do it. So let's talk about that.” Because that's for my betterment. And I want to be around people who are just going to uplift me and love me. Love looks different for everybody but at its core, someone who loves you, is never going to want you to do badly. They're not going to want you to give up and they're not going to want to see you fail. So I think that's really important. 

Sometimes the five people you're hanging around the most might be a family member who is actually really toxic. Like, what if my mom calls me every week, and she's really negative, I think that's where you have to be really intentional and guard your energy and think about the things you share. Because if you know it's going to drive some kind of negative or draining response, just be really intentional about the things you share and how much time you're going to commit to that exchange. Obviously, you can't pick your parents, you can't pick your siblings, but you can control your interactions and how much you depend on them, or how much you want to try to get from that relationship. That's all on you. So if you find that you have those draining relationships, or draining friendships, I'm not saying end them. Although there are some relationships you should, I am divorced, and we talked about that, too. But what I am saying is just be intentional about how you show up in that relationship and what you're trying to get out of it. If it's not giving you what you need, then get that from someone else. Bring someone else into your five. It doesn't happen overnight. But it absolutely can happen.

Megan: Let's say you do have a family member, like your mom, not my mom, my mom's probably listening right now. Just as an example. What are some specific things that you do to create those boundaries? Or you said, not sharing enough? But can you dive in a little bit deeper?

Nikki: There are people who are like, if I tell her that she is going to go down a complete rabbit hole and make it about herself about why that didn't work for her. Like you want to share that you have this great idea to start a podcast. If you know that that person is going to be like, well, you know, I knew somebody who started a podcast, and she spent all this money on recording equipment, and nobody listened to it and it really was very draining for her… That's not a conversation you want to have, right? Maybe you share it later, when you're already a little successful, or when it's already started and you're seeing some traction. That's the kind of news that you would share with that person. Because at that moment, as you're starting something new, that's not what you need to hear. So don't share things like that with people who aren't going to give you what you need. And I'm not talking about like, oh, shoot, I want people to just tell me what I need to hear. That's not what I mean, but you do need certain support when you're starting something new. Or maybe you have that friend who when something amazing happens to you, she finds a way to make you feel guilty about it, because her life is so terrible. So maybe you're a little bit abbreviated with the way you share it with her. With the person who's really going to celebrate you, that's when you give them every detail, and you're excited about it and you know that you're going to get back what you need, and then you're also giving it to that person.

Megan: What if you are a person that, especially if you have young children, you're feeling kind of isolated, and you don't even know how to find these five people? Do you have any help there?

Nikki: So three of us have become best friends, but live in Wisconsin, and one lives in Montana, and I live in South Florida. We met because we were part of the same home based business organization. We ended up getting together, first it was over Facebook Messenger where we just exchanged voice texts and soon we began to realize how much we had in common. We were only talking about business at first and how much we had in common, how much we supported each other, how  like minded we were and we developed our relationship that way. So I will say I mean if you're not in some sort of extracurricular like that, maybe you rekindle friendships, friendships you may have from college. It's always great to hear from an old friend and see if you guys still have everything in common. You kind of just grew apart but you guys were friends for a reason. You can stay friends. What I will say is that they don't have to be local.

Megan: Good point. I had to find that sometimes if you're feeling like you don't have enough friends, there's some inner work you need to do yourself, on your mindset and your confidence and the fact that you are worthy of having good and strong friendships and that you have the power to create that. Because I think sometimes you can get into a really negative spiral of just being like, I'm so lonely, I don't have any friends. But really, you do have to take action. It's not something you just can sit back and just wait to happen. I tend to be the one in my friend group, I tend to be like a planner and organize things. And I will say from that space, sometimes it gets frustrating to be the person that's always making the plan. So if you're one of those people that's feeling like, oh, I don't have plans, you’ve got to create them. So I am an Enneagram three, I don't know if you're into Enneagram?

Nikki: I mean, I've heard of it. I should probably take the little quiz. 

Megan: Basically, what that means is my personality type is very dominated by work. So I find my value in what I produced and the kind of work I provide. So when you said personal goals are more important than professional goals, that is something that I've been really working on, because I always put professional goals over my personal goals. But

Nikki: I do too. I know exactly what that's like.

Megan: Yeah, so can you dive in a little bit more about that?

Nikki: The best way I've heard this explained is, this is all directly tied to prioritizing, is that your life is really a bunch of balls. Some but not all of the balls are made of rubber. Some are made of glass. Work and business, in my opinion, are rubber balls, which means that if you drop it, it will bounce. Because there is not only one way to make money, there's not only one place that income can be derived versus your children. There's no replacing them. And same thing with your body, you only have the one. And you know, your soul, all of that. So those things have to be prioritized accordingly. If you drop a glass ball, it'll shatter. You can put it back together again, like with some glue, but it's going to be all smudged and you're going to see the cracks. It's not going to be the same. Think about it. If something awful were to happen, like, I don't know, God forbid your spouse ends up very ill or in an accident, are you really gonna focus on the professional goals? Or let's say you're your marriage falls apart, and you're gonna be going through a divorce. I've been through that, but I didn't show up at all professionally when that was happening. So that's why taking care of those glass balls ensures that you can show up for the rubber ones. But if you drop the rubber ball, it's not going to have that same devastating impact as when you drop a glass ball.

Megan: I really like that analogy. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So back to the topic, creating that celebration circle. We've defined what that means. Can you help us think through how you might choose someone that should be in your celebration circle and maybe let go of someone that maybe shouldn't?

Nikki: Yes. So the, the easiest way I've ever done this, and it almost feels like homework, but it works. Do it in a journal or you can do it on a piece of paper that you later shred. But make a list of the people you hang around the most or that you talk to the most. And then next to their names, right a plus, if they're adding to the value of your life, if they are contributing to your life in some way. You would put a zero if they're just neutral, like not taking away but not adding and then a minus sign if they're taking away. These are the people I call crabs in a bucket and this is what I was talking about before with the people who can never be happy for you. There's a phenomenon about what crabs do when you put them in a bucket. If they're all in the bucket and one of them tries to get out. The rest will pull that one down and keep it in the bucket. It's like we're all in this together. It's like that misery really loves company and people behave that way too. And it's sad for me to say this, but I see it most often with women. Sometimes when a woman rises up, and we want to pull her down, it's because she's forcing us to look at something internally about ourselves that we don't want to look at. We don't want to believe that we can do it too, because that means we have to make a change. That means we have to start thinking a certain way and actually start taking action. It's much easier to say there's something wrong with you, and we want to pull you down than it is to lift her up and be happy for her. So if you have bucket crabs in your life, that you're hanging around a lot, maybe at work, maybe it's a friend you had from middle school, and you just stayed friends, but you really don't have anything in common and she is that person that's always trying to bring everyone down. She gets a minus on the list. Once you have that list, like really be honest with yourself and start taking action being intentional creating what you want to experience, like you were just saying, with your friendships and your relationships.

Megan: What about guilt? For those people that are definitely on the minuses, but you have this guilt about not being there for them or not supporting them?

Nikki: I'm not suggesting that you don't support them and I'm not suggesting that you're not there for them. They're never going to be that for you. So you're just not going to elevate that. You're not going to have that expectation of them anymore, because you're setting yourself up for heartache. But of course they come to you and they want to tell you about something or they need your support, or they need your help or something amazing happens to them, maybe you are that person for them. You can give them that light and that sparkle. But if they're not giving it to you, then you need to manage your expectations differently and find people who are because otherwise, you're just perpetuating that toxicity in your life. You're wondering why you may be stuck in that and that's often a reason why. It's the people we're hanging around, the things we're listening to, the stories we're letting ourselves believe.

Megan: Well, thank you for clarifying that. Because I was thinking like, you know, celebration circle, what about the others? How did those people impact your life? And that yeah, managing your expectations, I think is the perfect way to think about those other people. You just accept them for who they are and you don't expect them to be something that they're not.

Nikki: I wouldn’t suggest you're like, you got a minus, I speak to you never again. My ex husband definitely was taking away from the joy in my life. Like he was not supportive. I don't want to say he's a bad guy. We just didn't bring out the best in each other. So like when I was in law school, and I would get this achievement, he would literally say things like, well, it must not have been that hard. You know, stuff like that. Or like, that's interesting that you were able to do that, because you're definitely not good at that. I was bringing out something in him that made him resentful. We're just not compatible. But in that situation, it was like, yes, done. We don't need to be in each other's lives. But most situations aren't going to be that way. It is going to be more about just managing your expectations.

Megan: So why should you do it now? Why should you really focus on this celebration circle?

Nikki: Because you want to live your best life now. You want to have that energy in your life now. And you can, like you were just saying, you have to be part of this solution. Nothing is happening to you. If you don't have friends let's evaluate why you don't? Why do you feel that way? Why don't you think you have friends? What are you not doing? And so it's the same thing with this. Like, if you're not getting that fulfillment in your relationships, then where should you be pouring more into people who are the pluses in your life? And managing expectations better with the people who aren't adding to the value of your life. But you want that now. I mean, nothing is promised. Not even not tomorrow. So why would you wait? 

Megan: Yeah,good point. So can you tell us a little bit more about your book? I want to hear why you decided to write a book, and just really kind of more about what it's about and and when does it come out, all the things

Nikki: So it'll be available for pre-order on Amazon on November 28 and it is my collection of love letters to all the moms like you and me who are out there doing our very best and who want things to be easier and want to make a bigger impact. I am really, really excited to release it. It came together very quickly. What I love the most about it is that it's not a book that you have to read in any particular order. You can just open the table of contents and be like, oh, yeah, that speaks to me right now in this mood I'm in. And the chapters are short. So they're really quick, easy to consume lessons. It's really about how to love your mom life and add yourself a little more, because a lot of loving our mom life starts with loving ourselves. We are probably hardest on ourselves and speak to ourselves the way we would never, ever, ever consider speaking to our own children. So things like that are really going to make a huge difference in the decisions you make, the actions you take, and the life you create.

Megan: Well, thank you so much for being here today. I think that this is such a great topic and I'm gonna do my homework. I'm gonna go make my list and do my plus and my neutral and my negative and really think through that. Can you tell me where my listeners can find you?

Nikki: First, they can find me on Instagram. I would love to be friends. I manage that account personally so I see every request that comes through or message. My handle is @nikkioden. Or you can find me on Apple Love Your Mom Life is the name of the podcast or online at www.youridealmomlife.com.